anxiety

So yeah I used to disagree with everyone when they tell me I need to go sit my ass down somewhere and relax. Lately though that’s all I have been doing and well its really all I can do.

On Thursday (05.18.2006) I am headed back to NYU Medical Center for my 4th major surgery in 11 months and my 2nd spinal surgery in 8 months. Now I sit here attempting to compose myself for what feels like the millionth time. I have succeeded plenty of times before because if I did not I’m not too sure I’ll be how I am today. What I’ve noticed though is how much more restless I am this time around. With my 1st and 2nd surgery it was all fine and dandy. I didn’t even lose sleep over it or anything like that. The 3rd surgery was really the first time I felt a bit of apprehension. Started losing sleep like 2 days prior and my appetite went out the window and yes I went ahead and worshiped the porcelain god the night before. Now this 4th surgery fast approaching I have noticed that sleep has managed to elude me this past several days. I’m an emotional mess, I cry at everything from watching some TV to simple things other folks say or even a simple email a friend has sent me. I DO NOT LIKE IT. I’ve always been the strong one, the unbreakable one, and the intense one now I’m the mush. This is a whole new playing field for me and I’m not sure I understand the rules.

But anyhow, I should be ok so I think it’s more of the uncertainty and the waiting part that is causing me to get a bit sleep deprived. Just think once I get admitted I will get some of the best sleep ever granted its drug induced. Not sure when I’ll be back online after tomorrow night but know that my behind will be all right even after I’ve been dealt this shorter end of the stick.

its technically 8 more days until Christmas and I'm sitting here getting all emotional. Don't ask me why but I am. I sit here remembering things I have no business remembering then I start feeling sorry for myself.

why the hell should I when I have everything in this world to be thankful for . . . I sit here at times feeling sorry for myself and I can't help it. I am not used to sitting here doing nothing and the worse thing is sitting here feeling like I'm the most helpless creature on earth. I HATE IT. Its something I need to just learn and keep going.

I want to feel festive and all joyful but I can't seem to find the energy to do that. I find myself remembering people I have no business remembering because I remember how they hurt me, then again I might have caused those hurts to myself. I sit here wishing sometimes that I can find a way to tell those people how they have affected me so kinda resulting in how I am now. I am so afraid to caring for someone again. Yeah I have my friends that I absolutely love and care for but that's not it. I've gotten to close to doing that again but I always seem to find a way to pull back and turn the other way.

I think I know what I need to do. Go somewhere gather my thoughts make changes in myself that I am not happy with . . . cut off contact with the outside world anc ome back with a bang. What do you think?

Heisman Watch Update

So after reading my buddy Reet Reets correction I went ahead and checked the Heisman count and thank GOD these people actually came to their senses. Then again maybe they read my post . . . nah I highly doubt it.

Here is how it stands for this week:
1) Reggie Bush - 73
2) Vince Young - 62
3) Matt Leinert - 45
4) Brady Quinn - 24
5) Jerome Harrison - 8

Heisman Watch

so yeah this is according to ESPN Experts Poll for this week:

1) Vince Young - 70 total
2) Matt Leinert - 55 total
3) Reggie Bush - 54 total
4) Brady Quinn - 29 total
5) Jerome Harrison - 5 total

So if any of y'all can explain to me why Reggie Bush ain't number one in the Heisman Polls please do so. Because right about now I'm pretty confused as to why after a great performance the man still didn't get the vote he deserved. I mean come on now. #5 had 513 all-purpose yards (294 yards on the ground, 151 return yards, caught 3 catches for 68 yards & 2 TD's) making him the PAC-10 record holder for all-purpose yards.

Is this because them fuckers who vote in another time zone besides the PACIFIC STANDARD TIME decided to freakin go to sleep and miss one of the greatest if not the most got damn memorable performance by an individual college football player that anyone has ever seen?

These folks get the freakin power to vote but yet go to fuckin' bed and fuck up this whole Heisman shyt. OK.

- Vince Young is one heck of a player. I can't knock him for that and he sure as helldeserves some kind of award but it sure as hell ain't the Heisman.

-Matt Leinert as we all know can ballroom dance his ass to great plays and is anotherexceptional athlete but dude come on. Even his game winning touchdown against NotreDame was assisted by that #5 guys folks decide don't deserve the #1 spot in the Heisman watch.

So yeah there are like one more game each for these top 3 players on the Heisman Watch. Vince Young ends his season the day after Thanksgiving, November 25 when they go into College Station, Texas to go up against Texas A & M. And it'll be on December 3rd for both Matt Leinert & Reggie Bush when the FUCLA comes into the coliseum for the annual beat on bruins day.Let's just hope that the voters for this trophy decide to see what #5 really deserves. The award as the BEST player in college football . . . NOT its MVP which my buddy Syreeta has already pointed out belongs to maybe Vince Young.

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire

As most of you know my old behind has gotten this Harry Potter series bug eversince I read all 6 books in about 2 weeks. What can I say I actually have nothing on my hands but time.

So yeah, we just got home about an hour ago from watching the movie after standing in line right alongside people of all ages which was great. We went to the Edwards Cinema in West Covina and it reminded me why that theater is one of my least favorite: THE TEENAGERS. I'm not tryna say I hate youngs folks but goodness gracious young folks these days are simply crazy & in my freakin opinion out of control.

But back to the movie. The fourth installment in the Harry Potter series sure came with great special effects and of course the resurrection of the feared and hated Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes). He only had about a 7-8 minute stint in the movie but it sure laid the groundwork for great things to come (esp. if y'all have read the book). The movie didn't cover all the story lines in the book but its ok because the movie was good in itself without the edited scenes. All the actors who played the main characters (Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Draco, etc) have all grown up. Some better than others. This book also shared that in the way of Harry having a crush on Cho Chang and how Ron got jealous of Victor Krum for taking Hermione to the Yule Ball. I think the movie offered a less safer side in its adaptation like the first 3.

I sat in that theater like a little kid anxious and excited all at the same time. I guess its maybe because I haven't been in a public area like that in like months. Right outside that theater was a store that offered one of my great addictions COLDSTONES Ice Cream. And yes I sure as hell had me some gooey and great tasting ice cream. I even was brave enough to try a new flavor besides my regular Banana Caramel Crunch. I had the featured Pumpkin Spice thing and that mess was good. We all of course got pop corn, sodas, nachos & skittles. Yeah we enjoyed ourselves that's for damn sure.

I know I did. Now that I saw the fourth one I can't wait till they release the 5th one and of course the 6th. Hell up until the story ends in the seventh book which is not even written yet. So until then I'll be waiting for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

'OL BOY

don't you guys ever wonder how one person can affect you when you meet them? I sure as hell don't. I mean its funny how now I sit here thinking about him telling whoever in their right mind would read this. Some would say I'm crazy for even giving him the time of day now. Hell I think I'm crazy coz after everything we've managed to still keep in touch. Why I can't really tell you but for some reason I just can't seem to let it go. I don't even think its all me because after a point I did give up and there he goes making sure his presence is known.

it was a nice summer night when he took me for a walk through NYC, introduced me to a noisy and busy Japanese Restaurant (that I later went back to) and later a walk through Bryant Park in New York City and mind you I think we were trespassing because it was roped off and of course I didn't want to go in but he insisted. This was the first time I've ever or seen this park and I thought it was so nice and calm and the weird part was that it was in the middle of NYC. I was given a brief history of the park and what goes on there and then I looked up and saw the stars. Dude, I saw the stars in NY and I was done. Little strings got tugged on and that somehow etched this one in my head.

I saw in this guy a complicated soul . . . a man who moves around and affects people he surrounds . . . I even referred to him as a restless wind. Does it make sense? There are times when it does but like everything else there are those times where it doesn't. See some might argue or disagree with me but I can't explain it. What I do know is that there are men around like him that shows a different side to different people and what I saw when I'm with him I liked. Maybe I'm wrong . . . maybe I should let it go . . . maybe I simply should just walk away and leave it alone. But what do you do when that something inside you just won't allow it? Then you sit there and think how silly you must seem. Then you think about how old you are and how wise we're supposed to be and at that moment it sure doesn't seem like it.

But you keep sitting there at the oddest times reminiscing. Reminiscing how you got that warm and fuzzy feeling when you hear their voice. How that voice is the last thing you hear before you fade into the night. How on your crappiest day pick up the phone and talk to them for hours on end about everything and nothing. How you can call them to calm you down when you have had one too many drinks and still have got to drive home. How your interests seem to mold itself onto each other. How you can discuss literature and art and religion and sports and food and all the wonderful things in the world and not once get bored. Funny isn't it?

So now I sit here thinking why on earth am I doing this? Yes I have a hell of a lot of time on my hands and yes I have had a lot of time to think about things. But I have no idea why the idea of this person still to this day intrigues me. I don't know if I miss him or the idea of him. But I do miss the walk in Bryant Park and I do miss the snow.

MEN : I don't get them

so yeah just like every normal warm blooded female I LOVE MEN. I mean you have to admit - we can't live with them but damnit we sure as hell can't live without them either. Yes I love different sorts of men and lately I have found myself with a much broader taste. I say that because for the longest all I have ever dated all fall in one category a football player. And that's how it went on for years (high school doesn't count). Its not like that's what I aimed for or looked for but I guess that's because that's what I was surrounded by.

Now ladies you have got to admit that the first thing we all see is the physical aspect and boy did I ever see some physically blessed men. The funny thing is that 95% of these suckers treated me as one of the guys and to be honest with you I was perfectly fine with that. It allowed me to live a very uncomplicated life. Ok I'm lying because with them treating me as one of the guys I was looked at as the younger sister and that SUCKED . . . cute but it sucked. I remember one night when we all decided to hit up a club and I ended up riding with Dwight & Stoney (I forget his name) I was the only girl with 10 dudes and 9 of them were starters for the MSAC football team. OK I felt protected and I'm pretty sure some of them heffas from our school would've gladly traded places with me and I would've gladly stepped aside and given up my spot. I remember this one hot cat approach me and I guess to dance but the next thing I knew 5 of the guys I came with somehow re-appeared next to me and there goes the hot cat. Needless to say I was not very happy about this.

Anywho, hanging out with these cats who lived a different lifestyle when it comes to relationships and as much as I hate to admit it it kinda sorta in a way rubbed of on me. I at one point was seeing multiple dudes at a time but I made sure they knew about the other. The way I figured I wasn't in a relationship with anyone so I could date anyone else too. Oh I never hid anything from anyone . . . I was always upfront. But then I met this dude who I actually dated exclusively then come to find out that this fool had someone else the whole time so yeah I was the other woman. Had to let that one go that's for sure coz one thing I learned was to NOT take leftovers.

Fast forward a few years from that occurence and there comes the predictions of some friends that when I actually do fall for someone I'm gonna fall like a ton of bricks. I've been in this world damn near thirty years and I have been fortunate enough to feel what folks call love. Yeah man I fought it off as long as I could and that shyt hit me when I wasn't looking. Well at first I thought it was love coz it sure as hell was not something I ever felt before and that mess scared me. Me and this cat have been buddies for years so it was something that grew over time. Hell I even was brave enough to tell his ass and even remained friends with him after that which was great. Then I met this dude who had me runnng for cover from the first moment I saw him. If I thought I was in love with the prior mentioned dude then hell I had a new appreciation of the word. Coz what I thought was love before couldn't even compare to this unexplicable feeling I felt. But after the hell I went through I then vowed to NEVER date a football player again much less an athlete and so far so good. Then again right after that I joined NSBE and um yeah there really wasn't any source of temptation like that. It was then that I decided to go and find my playa flag and wave it high when I moved to NJ.

I know I'm probably not even making any sense but then again you all knew that aready right? So you see for years most of my closest friends have been men up until maybe 5/6 years ago when being around women again showed me that its ok to be a girly girl and not be so harsh like a dude. Because they all were telling me that it seemed like I was the dude in the relationship. My best friend Will said it best that yes I guess that I'm as finnicky with men as I am with shoes. That little do they know that they could sneeze and the shyt would irritate me and they're off the books. I didn't think I was that bad but none of my other friends seemed to disagree. Then my girl Tiffany said that it was looking like I was willing to date again but I have one foot inside the door while the other is outside. Hey what can I say a heffa like me has learned the art of being cautious.

Now brings me to another aspect of this damn blog . . . which my girl Syreeta said that when it comes to me there's a different level in friendship of men. I can't recall what she said word for word but it had something to do with me being friends with a dude and that it comes in 3 levels (didn't know there was such) just a friend : the in-between friend : the dude that is the boyfriend. Did that make sense? if not go ask Reeta.

good food : good company :

so yeah today is my Mommy's birthday and since I haven't gone to the mall or anywhere else I really wasn't able to get her an actual present but she said that its ok but still I feel guilty. Anywho, today was an extremely slow day for some reason and I couldn't find anything that I actually wanted to do. But when my parents got home we went out to dinner at Claim Jumper's in Arcadia and lemme tell you I was STUFFED. I headed for the salad bar first where I overloaded on mushrooms, cheese, spinach, eggs, lettuce, some onions and topped it off with bacon bits and ranch dressing . . . that right there was a meal in itself. Then for the main course I had Chicken with gravy and Buttermilk Bisquits with sweet butter. I then washed everything down with a nice cold glass of strawberry lemonade. Sounds wonderful doesn't it? well it was.

now that good meal sure had me reminiscing times I had spent with friends eating at different restaurants all over the country. But more recently in the east. I guess its not a surprise that good friendships can develop over good meals after running our mouths with stories and poking fun at each other. Friendships formed over good food and convo seem like the friendships that last . . . well at least that what it seems like to me. And I miss those times when we simply plan on having some pasta or a slice of pizza at Ray's or how about the countless dinners at Applebee's when it like 10 degrees below zero hell going to dinner at Olive Garden or Uno with some friends who simply are having a financially challenged year. But damnit I miss those times. Well I'm running out of things to say but I think you get the point.